Did You Really Have a Choice? The Roles We Never Picked in Toxic Families
Understanding the unspoken roles we play — and how to step out of them.
Welcome back to Line by Line. I’m Jon Murphy, PMHNP.
If you grew up in a toxic or emotionally immature family system, chances are… you played a role. You didn’t choose it. You adapted.
The rules were unspoken:
Don’t upset the grown-up.
Don’t be too much.
Don’t need too much.
Keep the peace — or else.
These dynamics shape us before we even realize it. And they don’t just disappear in adulthood.
Here are the most common roles I see in toxic family systems:
🌟 The Golden Child
The one who mirrored the parent. You got praise, attention, and expectations — as long as you played along. You learned that performance = love. But your true self got buried under compliance.
🔥 The Scapegoat
You said no. You showed feelings. You didn’t conform. So you became the problem. Often the most emotionally honest person in the family, but punished for it.
🕊️ The Peacekeeper
You held the family together. You knew what mood everyone was in — and adjusted yourself to keep things calm. Safety meant keeping others happy.
🎭 The Charmer
Sometimes called the clown. You used humor, lightness, and distraction to defuse tension. It worked. Until it didn’t.
⚡ The Lightning Rod
You took on the family chaos. Maybe through emotional dysregulation, symptoms, or crisis. Without realizing it, you absorbed what others refused to deal with.
🕶️ The Watcher
You stayed quiet. Invisible. You learned early that being seen could mean being targeted. So you disappeared — physically, emotionally, or both.
These roles helped us survive. But they aren’t who we are.
And even if the parent isn’t yelling anymore — the control might still be operating in more covert ways.
Healing starts with seeing it clearly.
💬 What role did you play?
👇 Drop a comment or subscribe to Line by Line on Substack.
📺 Subscribe on YouTube to Compass Point Institute.
— Jon Murphy, PMHNP