How to Set Boundaries with Toxic People (The RIGHT Way)

The problem isn't that you don't know what to say—it's that your nervous system isn't prepared to deliver those words effectively

We've all been there—tiptoeing around difficult people, swallowing our feelings, and sacrificing our wellbeing to keep the peace. Whether it's a narcissistic family member, a manipulative partner, or a toxic boss, these relationships drain us until we're left exhausted, confused, and doubting ourselves.

I've spent years helping patients navigate these challenging dynamics, and I've discovered something crucial: most boundary-setting advice fails because it skips the foundation.

Why Traditional Boundary Advice Fails

Traditional advice tells you to "just stand up for yourself" or offers scripts without explaining the physiological reactions that make those confrontations so difficult. When you face a toxic person, your nervous system goes into threat response. From this activated state, even the perfect script will either:

• Come out as emotional and reactive (triggering defensiveness)

• Feel impossible to deliver (keeping you silent)

• Keeps you walking on eggshells

Either way, the boundary fails.

Framework Based on Science, Not Just Words

In the video below, I share the complete 4-step framework I use with my patients to set boundaries that actually stick. This approach integrates:

• Modern neuroscience on threat response

• Attachment theory and inner child work

• Group psychology and social dynamics

Unlike typical advice, this framework starts with building your internal foundation before any confrontation occurs.

Beyond the Scripts: The Missing Element

The most powerful insight from this approach is understanding that effective boundaries aren't just about what you say—they're about the regulated nervous system behind your words.

Think about the last time you tried to set a boundary while feeling anxious, angry, or afraid. How did it go? Chances are, the other person sensed your activation and either:

1. Escalated to match your energy

2. Exploited your vulnerability

3. Dismissed you entirely

This is why the first boundary you set must be with yourself—creating a home base of safety that allows you to respond rather than react.

The Internal Signal That Changes Everything

One key element I've observed in patients who successfully transform their relationships is what I call the "nervous system shift"—the moment when your body begins to believe in its own safety and right to have boundaries.

This isn't intellectual knowledge but embodied wisdom. You'll recognize it when:

• Your heart doesn't race during confrontation

• You can state your needs without emotional flooding

• You don't ruminate for days after setting a boundary

• You feel centered regardless of the other person's reaction

This shift doesn't happen overnight, but following the 4-step process in the video consistently builds this capacity over time.

From Boundaries to Freedom

Setting boundaries isn't just about managing difficult people—it's about reclaiming your authentic self. When you build this skill, you'll find yourself naturally drawn toward healthier relationships and environments that honor your worth.

The framework I share in this video has helped countless patients heal from narcissistic abuse, toxic family dynamics, and dysfunctional work environments. I hope it serves you on your journey toward healthier relationships and greater peace.

If you found this helpful, subscribe to our YouTube channel for weekly mental health insights that bridge clinical expertise with practical application.